We’re all New Yorkers now

You’re still living in New York and your neighbors still don’t like you.

Profiilikuva
Kirjoittaja on New Yorkissa varttunut ja Helsingissä naisistunut copywriter.
Julkaistu yli kolme vuotta sitten

“Dear” Donald,

In a few hours, you’ll start your new gig as host of the biggest reality show in history. Some of my friends and family here in Finland keep saying to “just sit back and enjoy the show”. My friends and family in New York keep saying that they “feel like an asteroid is headed our way and all we can do now is say goodbye to things we loved and prepare for the end.”

So do New Yorkers know something everyone else doesn’t? Or are we all just in for one hell of a great show?

Let me take you back to New York City in the 1980s for a second. You were busy building up your business empire and I was 12 years old.

My friends and I heard a rumor that you were coming to look at our school with your daughter, Ivanka. Of course today she’s your closest “political” advisor and someone you’d like to date if you weren’t… “you know… her father…”. But back then she was just an adorable little 5 year-old starting her education.

We knew right away that something had to be done.

People don’t often realize that New York is actually kind of a small town. We know our neighbors. And we get into their business just like people do in any small town in Finland. So my friends and I just somehow knew that you were someone to be avoided. We knew your reputation as a loudmouthed, attention-seeking, swindler. We’d seen you on TV, heard our parents talk about you and watched you litter our city with big ugly buildings, all with your name prominently featured on the facade in massive gold letters: TRUMP.

Anyway, as luck would have it we had just come back from a class trip to Boston, where we’d somehow gotten our hands on a gay porn magazine. We got together and hatched a plan. And on the morning of your visit, we did what anyone would have done and plastered both of the school’s elevators with dick pics.

Shockingly, you weren’t impressed and Ivanka ended up going to a different school. Our school wasn’t impressed either, and we got into big trouble. But that’s not really important. The point is, even at the tender age of 12, my friends and I already knew you were a dick.

Now, fast forward to today. You’re still living in New York and your neighbors still don’t like you. You might have picked up on this since like nine out of ten of us didn’t vote for you in the election. But here’s the thing – from today on, you’re no longer just our problem, you’re everyone’s problem. We’re all New Yorkers now.

Tomorrow is day one.

The elevator trick worked back in the 1980s. And tomorrow an estimated 2 million people are expected to take part in the 2017 version: the Women’s March on Washington and sister marches around the globe. It’s expected to be one of the biggest protests in history. My friends and I will all be there – in Washington, in New York, and even here in Helsinki.

It’s going to be “YUUUUUUUGE”!

“Love”, Lissu