This might sound like a Tom Clancy novel or some shitty Steven Segal movie, but this is how it actually happened.
The day you took office, a dude in a military uniform walked into the Capitol with Barack Obama, who was still officially President of the United States. He was carrying a leather-bound aluminum briefcase holding the codes and equipment needed to launch nuclear war. They call it the “football”.
At exactly 12 pm, control of that briefcase was transferred to literally the last person on Earth who should ever have access to it.
I can only imagine Barack Obama holding on to the handle as you tried to pull it from his hands.
And I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this, but getting your hands on that football also gave you complete authority to launch the 7,000+ nuclear weapons in the US arsenal. So if you like get really bored one night and decide to drop one, NO ONE would be able to stop you. Not Congress. Not the military. Not even Ivanka.
Thank God so far we’ve been lucky and someone was smart enough to have that little red button on your desk rewired so that every time you press it some poor asshole in a butler’s uniform brings you a Coke, instead of… well.. you know.
But just because you haven’t started a nuclear war yet doesn’t mean you’re not going to. In fact, the experts agree that it’s getting increasingly likely that you or someone else will. With you in office, the Doomsday Clock is now at two-and-a-half minutes to midnight and ticking fast.
Yet most people don’t really seem all that bothered. Most people.
While the press, politicians and late-night comedians are all focused on things like your attempt to screw 24 million people out of healthcare, the role the FBI played in the election, and your ignorance about US history, former US Defense Secretary, Professor Emeritus and global nuclear expert Bill Perry is shitting himself at the thought of you and that briefcase.
And the rest of us should be, too.
According to Perry, “An all out general nuclear war between the United States and Russia would mean no less than the end of civilization.” And with guys like you and Putin in charge, there’s good reason to worry about that actually happening.
Here’s a short list of some of the terrifyingly ridiculous things you’ve said so far about “nukes”:
In an interview with MSNBC in March, you said: “Somebody hits us within ISIS, you wouldn’t fight back with a nuke?” Um, no.
Then you said, if the U.S. isn’t going to use them, “then why are we making them?” Good question, and great reason to get rid of them.
On the subject of possibly using nuclear weapons against Europe (EUROPE!!!), you said: “Europe is a big place. I’m not going to take cards off the table. We have nuclear capability.” No, don’t do it! If you bomb Europe, where are you going to find your next wife?
On December 22nd, you tweeted that “The United States must greatly strengthen and expand its nuclear capability until such time as the world comes to its senses regarding nukes.” Yeah… Merry Christmas to you, too!
And when talking about the situation in the Korean Peninsula, you showed just how ignorant you really are by saying: “Now, wouldn’t you rather in a certain sense have Japan have nuclear weapons when North Korea has nuclear weapons?” *Facepalm*. Well actually it doesn’t matter who pushes the button ‘cause even if there was a “contained conflict” between Japan and North Korea, or let’s say Pakistan and India, it would produce enough soot and smoke to create the coldest temperatures experienced in the last 1,000 years. So millions of people would die and it would be too cold to play golf, you idiot.
Like you, Bill Perry has a lot of terrifying things to say. Unfortunately, unlike with you, very few people are listening. There are over 7.5 billion people on the planet. Fewer than 6,000 of them follow him on Twitter. You say terrifying things every day and 29 million people listen. Sigh.
I guess there’s not much we can do except hope that you pull a Bill Clinton and lose the nuclear codes. I know, I know, that sounds reeeeeaally bad. But it wasn’t a big deal. I mean, it’s not like HE was ever going to use them.
Enjoy your Coke,