Read this and you’ll never want to leave the bathroom again

Kirjoittaja on New Yorkissa varttunut ja Helsingissä naisistunut copywriter.

Dear Lissu,

So, I know Christmas is over, but I just got a late gift in the mail. And it’s a doozey. Let me start by reminding you how I’ve always felt about Christmas. I believe that we all own too much crap. And Christmas is just another excuse to buy more crap, slap a big bow on it and give it so someone who doesn’t need it and probably doesn’t want it.

I usually either give people something I’ve baked or cash. Everyone loves baked goods and cash is always the right color and size. And when anyone asks what I want, my standard answer is “If I can’t wipe my butt with it or eat it, I don’t need it or want it.” Most people have respected my wishes, and let’s just say I haven’t had to pay for a roll of toilet paper since about 1984.

Anyway, I digress. And I can only imagine that you’re on the edge of your seat (this is a pun, but more about that below) waiting to hear about this life-changing gift I received in the mail.

Perhaps it’s best expressed as a poem: Roses are red, violets are blue, now you can listen to iTunes while doing a poo.  

That’s right, I’m now the proud (and speechless) owner of a toilet paper holder that’s also a wireless stereo speaker for my smartphone. Perhaps you’re not surprised by this, as I’m sure it was developed by Nokia and this company is infringing on their patent. Hey, it wouldn’t be the first time.

Anyway, I have to admit it’s a nice idea to be able to play music in the bath or shower. But from what I can gather, the main point of this thing is to be able to more effectively play with your phone while “dropping the kids off at the pool”.

And speaking of kids, yours can expect to be getting a “special delivery” in the mail soon: the iPotty. I mean, why waste your valuable time potty training your kids when you can just plop (sorry, I couldn’t help myself) them down, turn on a Disney movie and let nature take its course? Get yourself the stereo toilet paper holder and your family will never have to leave the bathroom again.

I’ve got to go (…you had to know this is how I would sign off), Mom