If I can't eat it or wipe my ass with it, I don't want it.

Kirjoittaja on New Yorkissa varttunut ja Helsingissä naisistunut copywriter.

Dear Lissu,

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but Oh Tannenbaum is NOT about a Jewish family.  It’s about a tree. Honestly, sometimes I find it hard to believe we’re even related.

Now, about the reindeer tongue.  My first problem with that is that I am firmly against eating anything with a name, particularly a name that is loved by one and all.  I do not eat deer – Bambi;  I do not eat rabbit – Bugs Bunny; I do not eat fish – Nemo; and I certainly would have a problem eating Donner, Blitzen, Comet, Vixen or, God forbid, Rudolph!  Can’t you just imagine the new version of ”A Visit from St. Nicholas”?   ’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, my mom’s cooking Rudolph, she’s really a louse.”

And speaking of Christmas, what’s on your wish list this year? I keep hoping that your 20+ years living in Finland will have a positive effect on your endless desire to own and acquire more and more stuff, but I’m no longer holding my breath on that one.

Personally, I think Christmas has become just another excuse to spend money on things nobody needs or wants. So my wish list is the same as it is every year: If I can’t eat it or wipe my ass with it, I don’t want it. Love, Mom